Here without you
by Linda-previouslyMissyMaura
Summary: 2nd chapter. What happens when Carter moves away and no one knows where to. Alternating CarterAbby POV. Not Carby in first chapters. Possibly in later ones.
1. Default Chapter

Here Without You (Alternating Carter and Abby POV)

Some brief hinting towards self harm. Don't read if you find that subject hard.

_A hundred days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face_

_A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same_

_But all the miles that separate_

_They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_

I lie here every night while she sleeps next to me. I try and stay away from her; I end up nearly falling out of bed. But there's no way I can let her hug me. Tonight I can't stand it any more and I decide to sleep on the couch in the sitting room.

Throwing an old blanket round my shoulders I realise I can't sleep even if I wanted to because today is Chase's 'birthday'. My son, the little boy who should be sleeping in the other room, was born and died two years ago today. And we struggled on for two years pretending that we loved each other, that we could keep going. We even moved to Georgia to get away from the reminders of our son. But we had built our life on lies and sooner or later it was going to crash down around us. Personally, I'm surprised we lasted this long.

_I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time_

_I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams_

_And tonight, there's only you and me_

I jerk awake, a cold sweat covering my whole body as I scrabble to find my quilt. Somehow its half way across the floor, heaped next to the cabinet. Clambering off the bed, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is half out the band I tied it back with and the marks under my eyes are so dark I look like a raccoon. Picking up the quilt I realise I can't sleep even if I wanted to because today is the first day of the rest of my life. All my stuff is packed in boxes scattered around the modest apartment. I've never been able to sleep in new surroundings, but this time I have more than a new home to think about. So I'm guessing insomnia for a few weeks at least. But if I work hard, maybe I'll be too tired to think when I get home. Here's hoping.

_The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello_

_I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that this gets better as we go_

I shake my head as Kem asks if I want to go for a run with her. She frowns but says nothing and I'm so glad. I don't want an argument today; I'd be worried I might say something I would later regret, knowing my temper these last few weeks. Never before in my life have I wished to be further away from another human being, and it's a feeling I don't particularly like.

She comes over and ruffles my hair. I visibly shudder at her touch, where in another woman's presence I would have barely been able to control myself. The gesture is so familiar I can feel that old heat rising in my veins as an image of her flashes before my eyes, but as Kem returns to focus I pull away from her hand and go into the bathroom.

My eyes dance around the sterile looking room, wishing for a coloured towel, a different shampoo bottle arrangement or even a rubber duck to make it look homely. They land on the bathroom cupboard and as I open the doors I know why.

I pull out the pot of elastic bands and pull one onto my wrist. I sit on the edge of the bath and ping it against my skin. It hurts and for a while I feel release but I realise I want to see blood. After checking Kem was finally out, I go to the freezer and find the ice cubes. Prising out a red one I hold it against the skin on my forearm and enjoy the look of the red liquid sliding down my skin and the dull pain I now see as pleasure.

At least these things don't leave scars.

__

_I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time_

_I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams_

_And tonight girl, there's only you and me_

A few people call a greeting to me as I enter the hospital. This is only my 2nd day and about 5 people know me. It's weird to start completely new, where no one knows your secrets. But that's the exact reason why I left; so people can see me as Abby Lockhart MD, instead of Alcoholic Abby, failure and freak.

Peeling off my jacket I put on my white coat, throw the steth round my neck and join the hustle and bustle of OB. As I wander down the halls I see moms with babies I delivered last night and suddenly I feel proud of myself. I have finally found my path through life, after climbing all those mountains.

I wonder why it took moving to Georgia and away from...all my memories to see it though.


	2. chapter 2

**Hiya, I know that there is about one person out there who likes this fic so Im posting it for her! Its confusing but I want to postit. Im in the middle of writing about 3 fics so there coming soon. Please stay tuned, I love you all!**

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This chapter has some references to self harm which may be unsuitable for under 13's._

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_Everything I know, and anywhere I go __It gets hard but it won't take away my love_ _And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done_ _It gets hard but it won't take away my love_

For some reason, after I…do all that, I feel like a disappointment. But not like I'm disappointing Kem, 'cause to be honest she doesn't really care. But I feel like I'm disappointing…Abby. I started to self-harm a few weeks after Chase died. I don't know what made me start but one day I just picked up my razor and drew it across my skin. I was shocked as the blood ran down my arm, onto my hand, onto the floor but it didn't hurt. Not once did I wince or feel pain. It was like I had woken up from a deep sleep; everything was 10 times clearer.

So, obviously I carried on. I became the master of hiding it, just like the drug abuse. But I always knew that if anyone was going to find out, it would be Abby. Sure enough, a month later she saw the scars as I changed into scrubs. And, bang, I was in therapy 3 times a week with a 'scar patrol' every other day. That was sort of what made me decide to give in to Kem, to say yes to her absurd plan to move here. I knew I didn't need to cut anymore, I had those tricks, but I knew I also didn't need to be watched every minute to check I wasn't slipping scalpels into my pockets. The pressure made me crack. We moved to Georgia 10 months ago but I never found a job. Not because of my problems but because I was looking after Livi.

_I'm here without you baby but you're still on my lonely mind_ _I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time_ _I'm here without you baby but you're still with me in my dreams_ _And tonight girl, there's only you and me_

I've finally get a break and I'm using it to stand and watch over a little girl born last night. She's a total miracle, the only surviving baby from premature triplets, whose mother gave her life for her children. She died in the theatre before they had got the last baby out. I doubt anyone left last night with a dry eye. "So Donna, have you decided what she's going to be called?" "No, not yet. You got any ideas?" The NICU nurse looks over at me, her friend and temporary room mate. I think for a minute. "How about….Ava?" I say softly. Donna looks over again and grins. "That's pretty," She goes back to the baby she's changing but carries on talking. "It was awful just before. We had to name her brother and sister." She's obviously saddened by it, I would be. Their father apparently disappeared months ago and is now unreachable. This child was an orphan before she was born. "They were called Daniel and Cassie."


End file.
